That HNY feeling... or lack thereof

It is day 10 of the new year and I am not feeling the excitement of the new year. It is not that I have ever been a big new year, new beginning kind of person…but this year I thought I would feel it. Don’t ask me why.

2019 was quite a year….it started out as a bit of a dumpster fire…it toned down for a bit then turned into hell fire in June, then it toned down.

The main thing that helped me get through the shit show that was a period of 12 months between August 2018 and August 2019 was therapy. After 3 attempts I found a therapist who was right for me. Without her I would not have been able to pull myself out of the downward spiral I was in. It is not to say that she performed miracles. When I think about it she did not do anything radical. She gave me a safe space to say the things I wanted to say out loud, confront my feelings and emotions, and truly understand how I was feeling. There were sessions I just sat and cried for the better part of, sessions where I raved like a lunatic, sessions I was angry with the world, sessions I was angry with myself.

2019 coming to an end, felt like it would be a marked ending. A big sigh of relief, fireworks, a different feeling…but no…today in 2020 feels like just another day.

No new years resolutions for me…but there are some changes I am making in my life…

Less screen time. More reading. I have not read nearly enough books in the past few months.

Less Deliveroo. More time in the kitchen. I like cooking, but Deliveroo has been the lazy choice in recent memory.

More self care. I always tell myself I will get massages regularly, but never do. I always feel better after a massage, but booking the next one always feels like a herculean task.

Less fussing about people who do not care about me. More time with friends who make me laugh and laugh with me. This is a big one for me. I have had a lot of trouble breaking up with friends where the friendship feels rather one sided. I am giving myself permission to not care about the people who have shown no interest in my life (feels obvious when I put it like that…#duh).

More time with my niece and nephews. Make more effort to connect with them. Show them I am here for them.

Wisdom of friends

An underutilized resource is friends.

People must have friends that they can consult in a crisis, because people cannot decide to be wise, but they can trust someone who says I can tell you “I know how you will feel a year from now, you can’t. Because you are with your feelings right now.”.

That is wisdom that friends can impart.

- Daniel Kahneman

At this very moment, I miss my friends I have not see in a while. I speak with them regularly, but it is not the same as sitting with them and spending a few hours catching up. Just letting conversations evolve.

How true that it is the simple things in life that bring the most happiness and satisfaction.

You don't bring me flowers

I signed up for a weekly flower delivery service recently. Today was supposed to be my first delivery. The flowers for this week look stunning. I came home this evening looking forward to my beautiful flowers.

What girl does not like receiving flowers, especially ones she sends to herself.

But, alas, no flowers were waiting for me when I got home. Turns out the driver made a mistake and delivered them to the wrong address. To make things interesting they did not put my name on the flowers. So, whoever has them has no way of finding me.

I would like to think that those flowers made someone’s day a little brighter and brought them a bit of joy. For my troubles I get 50% off on my next delivery, with my replacement flowers scheduled to arrive later this week.