Oh the fun we will have

I have been thinking a lot about “fun” recently.

While I have had ups and down over these past few months, 2020 has strangely been a good year for me. I have spent it with the one person I care about the most in life, I have had the time to indulge in hobbies I previously did not have time for, and connect at a deeper level with people that matter the most to me.

All of this has been fun, but not my usual type of fun. I have normally had Type 1 fun, where things give me instant gratification. An enjoyable meal, hanging out with friends, etc. Or Type 3 fun…the type where it is fun in the moment but you regret it after the fact (too many to list!).

I realise now that I have never really had Type 2 fun. The type of activities that you hate every minute you are doing it, but when you look back at it you think about it fondly. Over the past few months I have been doing things of my own volition. No one has planned events or invited me to join them for any social activities, no one has peer pressured me into doing something. For the most part, there has been no need for me to take into consideration anyone else’s preferences while deciding what activities I want to do.

With complete freedom, I have spent my time doing things that I have not been very good at. For example, Yoga is one such thing. I am terrible at it (I was worse at it a few months ago), I hate doing it. Every single time while I am doing it, I ask myself, why I am doing it. I remind myself how terrible I am at it. I mock myself at the ridiculousness of my practicing yoga. But without fail I am always glad I did it, after the fact. There has not been a single time where thinking back to my yoga practice I tell myself “that was a complete waste of time”.

I have come to like this type of fun. So, going forward think I will include more of Type 2 fun in my life.

It doesn’t have to be “fun” to be fun.

Let's get physical

The lockdown has been a mixed bag, unsurprisingly. 

One part that I am definitely struggling with is fitness...For the 3 months prior to the lockdown I had gotten into a routine, had a personal trainer, went to the gym regularly and was feeling great. It was doing wonders for both my physical and mental health. 

With the lockdown, I have been having a difficult time hitting the mat regularly. I am lucky if I workout once a week. That in combination with not walking as much as I normally do, just going about my regular day, has made me a hot mess. I went for a walk yesterday and found it hard to hold a conversation with my husband. Clearly need to get a lot more cardio than I am now.

Step 1. Move.

Flashmob or bust

I had a discussion with a colleague today about birthdays and the singing of happy birthday, especially at work. I find it stressful. I don’t think anyone truly one enjoys it…not the person who is celebrating their birthday, not the people singing it. It is just torture for everyone. No one is having fun.

My feelings about singing happy birthday at work, if someone wants to make a fuss about my birthday at work…then go all out, do a flash mob. At least it will be enjoyable.

Just sayin’

80%? 120%?

“Listen to your instinct, grab the opportunity when it presents itself and then give it your all”.

My momentum chrome extension displays a beautiful landscape, the time and a daily quote when I open a new tab. I don’t always read the quote, but every now and then I do and invariably end up thinking about it.

I have had an idea in the back of my mind in some shape or form for the past few years. The past few days this idea has been front and centre in my brain. So much so that a couple of days ago I dreamt about this idea. Until this morning the idea was a bit of a nebulous thing. It was there, but I did not have enough clarity about it, I did not know what a successful implementation of the idea might look like.

That changed this morning. Storm Ciara is in full effect. As I was waking up, in that blissful time of waking into awareness and still in a dreamlike state, I could hear the wind. I could feel the gale-force winds in my brain, where it was kicking up all my feelings and thoughts and was shifting things around. In a split second, I had a thought about my idea and I could see what a potential implementation of that idea could look like. Just like that…I knew.

I sat down at my desk, opened my laptop and my browser tab had the above quote.

It seems apt. The question now is what am I going to do with this idea? Will I execute? Will I give it my all?

I hope I do.

That HNY feeling... or lack thereof

It is day 10 of the new year and I am not feeling the excitement of the new year. It is not that I have ever been a big new year, new beginning kind of person…but this year I thought I would feel it. Don’t ask me why.

2019 was quite a year….it started out as a bit of a dumpster fire…it toned down for a bit then turned into hell fire in June, then it toned down.

The main thing that helped me get through the shit show that was a period of 12 months between August 2018 and August 2019 was therapy. After 3 attempts I found a therapist who was right for me. Without her I would not have been able to pull myself out of the downward spiral I was in. It is not to say that she performed miracles. When I think about it she did not do anything radical. She gave me a safe space to say the things I wanted to say out loud, confront my feelings and emotions, and truly understand how I was feeling. There were sessions I just sat and cried for the better part of, sessions where I raved like a lunatic, sessions I was angry with the world, sessions I was angry with myself.

2019 coming to an end, felt like it would be a marked ending. A big sigh of relief, fireworks, a different feeling…but no…today in 2020 feels like just another day.

No new years resolutions for me…but there are some changes I am making in my life…

Less screen time. More reading. I have not read nearly enough books in the past few months.

Less Deliveroo. More time in the kitchen. I like cooking, but Deliveroo has been the lazy choice in recent memory.

More self care. I always tell myself I will get massages regularly, but never do. I always feel better after a massage, but booking the next one always feels like a herculean task.

Less fussing about people who do not care about me. More time with friends who make me laugh and laugh with me. This is a big one for me. I have had a lot of trouble breaking up with friends where the friendship feels rather one sided. I am giving myself permission to not care about the people who have shown no interest in my life (feels obvious when I put it like that…#duh).

More time with my niece and nephews. Make more effort to connect with them. Show them I am here for them.

Discovery

I recently listed to the entirety of Billie Eilish’s “When we all fall asleep where do we go?” I had heard a couple of her songs previously…but had not put any effort into listening to her album.

I was blown away at how good the album is. The music, lyrics, her voice…

It has been a long time since I liked an entire album and can listen to every song on it. I have playlists, a mishmash of songs to suit my every mood. Since the advent of Spotify, I find myself listening to fewer albums. I try not to reminisce about the good old days…but if there is one thing I do miss about the olden days, it was going to a music store and browsing through the music and buying records…Sure most often than not you would buy a CD where there was a couple of songs were good and the rest not so much. There are so many benefits to picking and choosing the specific tracks you like (I love curating playlists), but there is something about browsing through stacks of CDs and vinyl and spending time to find something you get excited by. The pleasure of discovery. I miss that.

Back to Billie Eilish…I have her album playing on repeat here…

2020

2020 feels like the right year to have come at the right time. The past decade taught me a lot of hard lessons and if hindsight is 2020, this year is going see me using a lot of those lessons and seeing things with a lot more clarity

I have no big goals for the year…I never have been one to set new years resolutions. The only thing I want to do is be more present. If I can improve on that one thing, I will consider myself to have had a good year.

Ian

Ian died earlier this year. He was my best friend all through university. Life took us in different directions. I always thought I would meet him again someday and we would develop a new friendship. I always had this image of running into him at an airport…it was always an airport…and my heart bursting with joy at the sight of him, running up to him for a great big hug. I expected him to live a long life. Not die young.

My life is different because of him. He showed me a world that I did not know existed. He made me question my beliefs and to look at the world with new eyes. He made me a better person. He showed me kindness and love. He showed me what that truly meant.

I still have the notes he passed me in the middle of a class. He made me laugh. He was the first boy I loved. Not a romantic love, but a love that is born out of respect and kindness and belonging. An unconditional love that brings people together.

I am forever grateful for having him in my life, even if it was only for a few short years. My impact on Ian’s life was negligible, but his impact on mine was life-changing.

Forgiveness

Read this today on brain pickings. I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently. This seems very timely.

“In any bond of depth and significance, forgive, forgive, forgive. And then forgive again. The richest relationships are lifeboats, but they are also submarines that descend to the darkest and most disquieting places, to the unfathomed trenches of the soul where our deepest shames and foibles and vulnerabilities live, where we are less than we would like to be. Forgiveness is the alchemy by which the shame transforms into the honor and privilege of being invited into another’s darkness and having them witness your own with the undimmed light of love, of sympathy, of nonjudgmental understanding. Forgiveness is the engine of buoyancy that keeps the submarine rising again and again toward the light, so that it may become a lifeboat once more.”

Wisdom of friends

An underutilized resource is friends.

People must have friends that they can consult in a crisis, because people cannot decide to be wise, but they can trust someone who says I can tell you “I know how you will feel a year from now, you can’t. Because you are with your feelings right now.”.

That is wisdom that friends can impart.

- Daniel Kahneman

At this very moment, I miss my friends I have not see in a while. I speak with them regularly, but it is not the same as sitting with them and spending a few hours catching up. Just letting conversations evolve.

How true that it is the simple things in life that bring the most happiness and satisfaction.

You don't bring me flowers

I signed up for a weekly flower delivery service recently. Today was supposed to be my first delivery. The flowers for this week look stunning. I came home this evening looking forward to my beautiful flowers.

What girl does not like receiving flowers, especially ones she sends to herself.

But, alas, no flowers were waiting for me when I got home. Turns out the driver made a mistake and delivered them to the wrong address. To make things interesting they did not put my name on the flowers. So, whoever has them has no way of finding me.

I would like to think that those flowers made someone’s day a little brighter and brought them a bit of joy. For my troubles I get 50% off on my next delivery, with my replacement flowers scheduled to arrive later this week.

Cricket

I was a bit early for a meeting...so popped into a book shop in Old Street station to wile away the time.

It was a small shop with books everywhere. Did not feel like they were organised in any way, but I am sure there was method to the madness.

Felicity by Mary Oliver caught my eye. It was a tiny book, about 60 pages maybe a bit more. I flipped through it and I landed on page 27. I have always liked the number 27. It felt like I was meant to read this page.

The poem on that page was about a cricket. The poem sounded kind, is filled with kindness, made me think of endings and belonging.

I bought the book. I am now the type of person who reads poetry.

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Nothing is too small not to be wondered about - Mary Oliver

The cricket doesn’t wonder
if there’s a heaven
or, if there is, if there’s room for him.

It’s fall. Romance is over. Still, he sings.
If he can, he enters a house
through the tiniest crack under the door.
Then the house grows colder.

He sings slower and slower.
Then, nothing.

This must mean something, I don’t know what.
But certainly it doesn’t mean
he hasn’t been an excellent cricket
all his life.