It is day 10 of the new year and I am not feeling the excitement of the new year. It is not that I have ever been a big new year, new beginning kind of person…but this year I thought I would feel it. Don’t ask me why.
2019 was quite a year….it started out as a bit of a dumpster fire…it toned down for a bit then turned into hell fire in June, then it toned down.
The main thing that helped me get through the shit show that was a period of 12 months between August 2018 and August 2019 was therapy. After 3 attempts I found a therapist who was right for me. Without her I would not have been able to pull myself out of the downward spiral I was in. It is not to say that she performed miracles. When I think about it she did not do anything radical. She gave me a safe space to say the things I wanted to say out loud, confront my feelings and emotions, and truly understand how I was feeling. There were sessions I just sat and cried for the better part of, sessions where I raved like a lunatic, sessions I was angry with the world, sessions I was angry with myself.
2019 coming to an end, felt like it would be a marked ending. A big sigh of relief, fireworks, a different feeling…but no…today in 2020 feels like just another day.
No new years resolutions for me…but there are some changes I am making in my life…
Less screen time. More reading. I have not read nearly enough books in the past few months.
Less Deliveroo. More time in the kitchen. I like cooking, but Deliveroo has been the lazy choice in recent memory.
More self care. I always tell myself I will get massages regularly, but never do. I always feel better after a massage, but booking the next one always feels like a herculean task.
Less fussing about people who do not care about me. More time with friends who make me laugh and laugh with me. This is a big one for me. I have had a lot of trouble breaking up with friends where the friendship feels rather one sided. I am giving myself permission to not care about the people who have shown no interest in my life (feels obvious when I put it like that…#duh).
More time with my niece and nephews. Make more effort to connect with them. Show them I am here for them.